Five Years On And Still Missing You
Five Years On
So here I am. I am lying on my bed and writing this open letter to you,my Mum, from my heart. Because today marks five years and two days since you died. It hasn't got easier for me but I guess I have hidden it quite well. A lot has happened in five years. I moved back to Rotherham in 2014 and then back down to Newbury last December nearly a year after losing my wonderful Nan who I hope you are looking after wherever you are. I lost a lot of weight which I then managed to put back on and now I have lost quite a bit of what I put back on. Katy passed her GCSEs and has gone to uni and has met someone who is very lovely. And Dad has moved out of our big house and into a bungalow and met someone new but that doesn't mean he has forgot about you. We talk about you all the time and often wonder what you would be doing now and would have done in the last five years. We have a new friend called Tony. He's lovely I reckon you'd have loved him. He has the same sick sense of humour as Dad and me. A very funny,lovely and caring fellow.
I still miss you bad. I often go for Winter Walks and whenever the stars come out I look for the brightest one and dare to hope it's yours. There are a lot of things I want to tell you and wish I could have said. I know you wouldn't tell anyone if I'd tell you not to say anything,you were one of the only few people I could tell my secrets to without fearing that I would be judged or disapproved of. There were so many places we never got to go to,things to do that we discussed doing. You and me were so close and I loved you right until the end. I am still feeling guilty that I never got to be with you when you left. Mum, there is a feeling inside of me that just won't go away,I wish it would but it won't. There are things I think about that won't leave my head. You can't put a time limit on grief and I have never got over losing you,never will. I will always remember you as my lovely cuddly mummy and a brave,kind,caring,wonderful,sweet,loving,courageous,funny and gentle lady. I will always be your little girl, I miss you so very dearly Mummy. I have the memories but it's not the same. I just want you here with me, I know Dad and Katy do - we miss you dreadfully.
You now have a lovely,shiny black square pot thingy on your grave which I bought for you. I was chuffed off with seeing that tiny plaque on your grave so I decided that you were going to get a small pot. Everytime your favourite songs come on the radio or my laptop I think about you. I laughed a few weeks ago and it just sounded like you - LOL. I also keep feeling a prescence on my head,sometimes my arm. I am convinced it is you. I believe in ghosts,prescences,heaven and hell and all of that but even more since I heard your voice through the wall five years ago today,when we received news that you were gone.
So that is my open letter to you. I just hope you know that when it is my turn to die and we meet again, I will hug you and not let go. Love always
Emma xx
So here I am. I am lying on my bed and writing this open letter to you,my Mum, from my heart. Because today marks five years and two days since you died. It hasn't got easier for me but I guess I have hidden it quite well. A lot has happened in five years. I moved back to Rotherham in 2014 and then back down to Newbury last December nearly a year after losing my wonderful Nan who I hope you are looking after wherever you are. I lost a lot of weight which I then managed to put back on and now I have lost quite a bit of what I put back on. Katy passed her GCSEs and has gone to uni and has met someone who is very lovely. And Dad has moved out of our big house and into a bungalow and met someone new but that doesn't mean he has forgot about you. We talk about you all the time and often wonder what you would be doing now and would have done in the last five years. We have a new friend called Tony. He's lovely I reckon you'd have loved him. He has the same sick sense of humour as Dad and me. A very funny,lovely and caring fellow.
I still miss you bad. I often go for Winter Walks and whenever the stars come out I look for the brightest one and dare to hope it's yours. There are a lot of things I want to tell you and wish I could have said. I know you wouldn't tell anyone if I'd tell you not to say anything,you were one of the only few people I could tell my secrets to without fearing that I would be judged or disapproved of. There were so many places we never got to go to,things to do that we discussed doing. You and me were so close and I loved you right until the end. I am still feeling guilty that I never got to be with you when you left. Mum, there is a feeling inside of me that just won't go away,I wish it would but it won't. There are things I think about that won't leave my head. You can't put a time limit on grief and I have never got over losing you,never will. I will always remember you as my lovely cuddly mummy and a brave,kind,caring,wonderful,sweet,loving,courageous,funny and gentle lady. I will always be your little girl, I miss you so very dearly Mummy. I have the memories but it's not the same. I just want you here with me, I know Dad and Katy do - we miss you dreadfully.
You now have a lovely,shiny black square pot thingy on your grave which I bought for you. I was chuffed off with seeing that tiny plaque on your grave so I decided that you were going to get a small pot. Everytime your favourite songs come on the radio or my laptop I think about you. I laughed a few weeks ago and it just sounded like you - LOL. I also keep feeling a prescence on my head,sometimes my arm. I am convinced it is you. I believe in ghosts,prescences,heaven and hell and all of that but even more since I heard your voice through the wall five years ago today,when we received news that you were gone.
So that is my open letter to you. I just hope you know that when it is my turn to die and we meet again, I will hug you and not let go. Love always
Emma xx
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