Could I Be Autistic?
Ever since I was very young I have always known that I was different to other people. When I was small I found it easy to make friends. I wanted loads of friends. I was happy,smiley and chatty. Even when I was being bullied. But over the years making friends has become more harder and now I find it really difficult to make and keep them. I do not socialise. I would rather stay at home or go to the library then go to a party.
Even at my third college - if we had to play some games before our lessons, on the outside I would be like 'Ooh lovely,we're going to play Bulldog' for example but inside I would be like 'Oh no do we have to'? And as I was taking a drama/performing arts course I HAD to mix with people and learn lines and be in scenes and dance with them. I REALLY just wanted to sit on my own and work on my own. I find I work better and faster that way. Peace,quiet and being on my own. I find nowadays I prefer my own company than being with people unless I know that person really well - Dad,Charlotte etc.
I know I was possibly 'annoying' some people when it came to the dance part of the course by saying 'I can't do this' a lot but they would never really show it to my face. Me and my teachers mutually decided after thre months that because I was struggling, I would just do the acting side. I was so relieved as yes I was struggling and it was partly my weight,partly my fitness levels and also because I just couldn't keep up and was struggling to remember the dances at times. But You know what I had to do in palce of dance? A whole Monday afternoon and the WHOLE of Tuesday upstairs on a computer in the learning resources centre writing scripts and stories and things! perfect!
If,for example,someone invited me out with some other people for a drink I would do my best to avoid it or make excuses. Or if I DID end up going out with a group of people I would find it really awkward and end up being the first to leave. I would be so embarrased with myself. I would end up being really quiet and for most of the meeting,non verbal unless I was spoken to and then I would end up making an excuse saying I would have to go. I am not much of a talker,especially if I'm put in a situation where I am in groups. Believe me I would love more than anything to be confident and have the courage to meet people in groups and go out. But One to one is my way right now.
Some people might notice that whenever a stranger touches me I flinch and find it really uncomfortable or when I am on a bus and it is busy and someone sits next to me and are touching me with their arm or leg, I try to squash up to the window as far as I can and still feel uncomy. Please be aware I am not being rude - I cannot help it. I just DONT like being touched by anyone I don't know! I also don't react that well to change at short notice. Also, I am not very good at understanding complex infromation or questions that are hard-worded. I need people to relay them in easy terms.
I cannot cope with busy places or crowds and too much noise is a massive no-no. I try to avoid places that I know are too busy or noisy and I certainly cannot go to places on my own if I don't know them due to my BPD. I need someone with me for unfamiliar journeys or places.
Over the last few years I have noticed odd mannerisms about myself. Like not being able to have the TV volume on an odd number. It HAS to be on an even number and I also have to eat my tea in a certain way. I collect mobile phones and can actually work my way round any mobile phone within seconds, Yeah you read that right. Seconds. I constantly talk to myself when I am alone and I also sing a lot too. I can also repeat myself sometimes. Like askign people three or four times if they are ok or if they want any tea.
I have been told I am brilliant at remembering things. Which I am not sure I agree with because I have to write appointments down and still ask for reminders for them, I still have to have my meds put into a nomad box or I won't remember which tablets to take and when. But apparently I am great at remembering things that happened nearly 25 years back,dates of birth,the previous addresses I have lived, even short term ones and other peoples,a few phone numbers and other things...and I am now 30 I am surprised that I can!
For years I have battled with mental health problems starting with self harm at a very young age. I am not talking about cutting here, but I had trichotillomania which means you pull your hair out and it is a form of self harm. Then I moved on to REAL self harm before I hit my teens. Then came the suicide attempt. Then I was diagnosed with anxiey and depression. Then came another suicide attempt and was later diagnosed with BPD/EUPD. In May this year I was re-diagnosed with that and put on Quetiapine. They stop the voices. Sometimes my meds stop working for a few hours and the voices return.
Oh and it turns out that I am possibly autistic. I have been referred for an assessment for autism. Please don't judge me! This is how I know I have always been different. I have suspected now for the last few years that I am on the autism/Aspergers spectrum. I even took one of those online autism test things and it said that I am showing signs of borderline autism, So if I AM autistic, why should that matter and why should you treat me any different? DONT!
Some autistics can be brilliant academically. Some are not very academic - like me. I was never very clever at school, except for English/Spelling. Most of my GCSE subjects ended with me getting really low grades. I never put my hand up much to answer questions at school in fear of getting the answer wrong and being ridiculed for it and when I WAS asked to answer, most of the time I didn't know the answer so I wouldn't say anything. I would just look past the teacher,my desk,my books,my hand trying desperately to think of something to say but not looking directly into the teachers eyes. In the end I would just say I didn't know. It disheartened me because I knew for a long time that I was rather thick when it came to most subjects. I didn't learn my times tables until I was 8/9 in 1998 and I had to have help with it. I would very rarely contribute or give ideas due to believeing that they were stupid or not good enough.
Some people with autism also may not show or have all the symptoms. They can sometimes have them all or not many. I don't have all of them. Like for example,sometimes I can either stare into space or avoid eye contact. That is one symptom. And anger. At times I can't control bouts of anger and it comes on quickly and from nowhere. Or it can disappear as quickly as it came. I tend to bottle things up and not tell people how I feel until it is too late and I errupt.
I can usually tell if someone is being sarcastic with me but I can NEVER tell if someone is bored with me just by looking at them. I am very good at making up stories. Autistics are usually very good with knowledge and know a great deal about certain subjects/categories for example tney may know a lot about cars,flowers,animals etc. Whereas I know a lot about music. I know the lyrics to thousands of songs,know and I know a great deal of information about SCLUB7 and Steps. I also know a lot of dialogue or know almost all the words to a lot of my favourite telly programmes and again I know a great deal of info about Hollyoaks. I could tell you when it first aired,who characters were/are,storylines from years back...
Even at my third college - if we had to play some games before our lessons, on the outside I would be like 'Ooh lovely,we're going to play Bulldog' for example but inside I would be like 'Oh no do we have to'? And as I was taking a drama/performing arts course I HAD to mix with people and learn lines and be in scenes and dance with them. I REALLY just wanted to sit on my own and work on my own. I find I work better and faster that way. Peace,quiet and being on my own. I find nowadays I prefer my own company than being with people unless I know that person really well - Dad,Charlotte etc.
I know I was possibly 'annoying' some people when it came to the dance part of the course by saying 'I can't do this' a lot but they would never really show it to my face. Me and my teachers mutually decided after thre months that because I was struggling, I would just do the acting side. I was so relieved as yes I was struggling and it was partly my weight,partly my fitness levels and also because I just couldn't keep up and was struggling to remember the dances at times. But You know what I had to do in palce of dance? A whole Monday afternoon and the WHOLE of Tuesday upstairs on a computer in the learning resources centre writing scripts and stories and things! perfect!
If,for example,someone invited me out with some other people for a drink I would do my best to avoid it or make excuses. Or if I DID end up going out with a group of people I would find it really awkward and end up being the first to leave. I would be so embarrased with myself. I would end up being really quiet and for most of the meeting,non verbal unless I was spoken to and then I would end up making an excuse saying I would have to go. I am not much of a talker,especially if I'm put in a situation where I am in groups. Believe me I would love more than anything to be confident and have the courage to meet people in groups and go out. But One to one is my way right now.
Some people might notice that whenever a stranger touches me I flinch and find it really uncomfortable or when I am on a bus and it is busy and someone sits next to me and are touching me with their arm or leg, I try to squash up to the window as far as I can and still feel uncomy. Please be aware I am not being rude - I cannot help it. I just DONT like being touched by anyone I don't know! I also don't react that well to change at short notice. Also, I am not very good at understanding complex infromation or questions that are hard-worded. I need people to relay them in easy terms.
I cannot cope with busy places or crowds and too much noise is a massive no-no. I try to avoid places that I know are too busy or noisy and I certainly cannot go to places on my own if I don't know them due to my BPD. I need someone with me for unfamiliar journeys or places.
Over the last few years I have noticed odd mannerisms about myself. Like not being able to have the TV volume on an odd number. It HAS to be on an even number and I also have to eat my tea in a certain way. I collect mobile phones and can actually work my way round any mobile phone within seconds, Yeah you read that right. Seconds. I constantly talk to myself when I am alone and I also sing a lot too. I can also repeat myself sometimes. Like askign people three or four times if they are ok or if they want any tea.
I have been told I am brilliant at remembering things. Which I am not sure I agree with because I have to write appointments down and still ask for reminders for them, I still have to have my meds put into a nomad box or I won't remember which tablets to take and when. But apparently I am great at remembering things that happened nearly 25 years back,dates of birth,the previous addresses I have lived, even short term ones and other peoples,a few phone numbers and other things...and I am now 30 I am surprised that I can!
For years I have battled with mental health problems starting with self harm at a very young age. I am not talking about cutting here, but I had trichotillomania which means you pull your hair out and it is a form of self harm. Then I moved on to REAL self harm before I hit my teens. Then came the suicide attempt. Then I was diagnosed with anxiey and depression. Then came another suicide attempt and was later diagnosed with BPD/EUPD. In May this year I was re-diagnosed with that and put on Quetiapine. They stop the voices. Sometimes my meds stop working for a few hours and the voices return.
Oh and it turns out that I am possibly autistic. I have been referred for an assessment for autism. Please don't judge me! This is how I know I have always been different. I have suspected now for the last few years that I am on the autism/Aspergers spectrum. I even took one of those online autism test things and it said that I am showing signs of borderline autism, So if I AM autistic, why should that matter and why should you treat me any different? DONT!
Some autistics can be brilliant academically. Some are not very academic - like me. I was never very clever at school, except for English/Spelling. Most of my GCSE subjects ended with me getting really low grades. I never put my hand up much to answer questions at school in fear of getting the answer wrong and being ridiculed for it and when I WAS asked to answer, most of the time I didn't know the answer so I wouldn't say anything. I would just look past the teacher,my desk,my books,my hand trying desperately to think of something to say but not looking directly into the teachers eyes. In the end I would just say I didn't know. It disheartened me because I knew for a long time that I was rather thick when it came to most subjects. I didn't learn my times tables until I was 8/9 in 1998 and I had to have help with it. I would very rarely contribute or give ideas due to believeing that they were stupid or not good enough.
Some people with autism also may not show or have all the symptoms. They can sometimes have them all or not many. I don't have all of them. Like for example,sometimes I can either stare into space or avoid eye contact. That is one symptom. And anger. At times I can't control bouts of anger and it comes on quickly and from nowhere. Or it can disappear as quickly as it came. I tend to bottle things up and not tell people how I feel until it is too late and I errupt.
I can usually tell if someone is being sarcastic with me but I can NEVER tell if someone is bored with me just by looking at them. I am very good at making up stories. Autistics are usually very good with knowledge and know a great deal about certain subjects/categories for example tney may know a lot about cars,flowers,animals etc. Whereas I know a lot about music. I know the lyrics to thousands of songs,know and I know a great deal of information about SCLUB7 and Steps. I also know a lot of dialogue or know almost all the words to a lot of my favourite telly programmes and again I know a great deal of info about Hollyoaks. I could tell you when it first aired,who characters were/are,storylines from years back...
So....That is me. That is who I am.
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