The Demons Returned To Me
Hello followers.
We are now in May 2020. We are still in lockdown and the world is still a mess. Also this week I would have been clean from self harm for one year. Now I said 'would have' beause I let myself down badly. Towards the end of April the demons came out from my head and tormented me to the point where I ended up harming myself. Now,for those who don't know me or who haven't read any of my previous blogs espeically those on mental health then please let me explain. I am 30 years old almost 31 and I have depression,anxiety and a bastard called Borderline Personality Disorder which you might or might not have heard of. Feel free to look it up if you wish. It is awful and an awful thing to have. Your brain thinks things you don't want to think and makes your hear things you don't want to hear. It tells you do do things.
You can also have a meltdown over the smallest thing or become angry at absolutely nothing one minute with no explanation then be fine the next. Your behaviour can be erratic and you can have mood swings. Unfortunately BPD cannot be cured even if you do not have symptoms for weeks or even months. They always risk coming back which is actually what happened with me a couple of years back. I didn't have symptoms for a few months and I was actually told I didn't actually have it. But I have been diagnosed with having BPD by at least two psychatrists and my doctor said that just because you haven't got the symptoms doesn't mean you don't have it anymore.
So what I am going to do now is tell you a story about myself and how having BPD affects me in day to day life
As a BPD sufferer, I do believe that I am 'un normal' and that I am wired up wrong. I am very fragile and I am weak. Does this make me an easy target? Possibly. Especially since I admit to being mentally ill. And also mentally unstable when I haven't taken my Quetiapine for more than three days. I hve to take those because if I don't then I am in trouble. Do you know what I would love? To be able to feel normal again. Please do not say 'Oh but you are normal' - believe me I am not normal. You wouldn't wanna see inside my mind and you wouldn't wanna be me - especially when I am having a bad episode or a bad meltdown. BPD is horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy...
Being bullied at school started my problems with mental health and also with self harm. Even before I was diagnosed with the illness I ended up self harming at college but unfortunately it was witnessed by 2 of my coursemates. I once remember scratching my arm on the wall outside the music block at school. At the age of 14/15 I even had thoughts about running away from school and then home and wanting to not be found. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until my early 20s. I think I was around 22 years old. I was so relieved when I finally had a diagnosis but I still wasn't happy and at intervals I was still self harming.
I try to play music most of the time. Music is one thing which helps me thought there are some occasions where even music won't work and can fail to help me. Music takes my mind off things. If I am going through a meltdown then music usually can calm me. Also, DVD's are another thing which can pacify me. Comedy usually works. Live Comedy or Comedy programmes such as On The Buses,Birds Of A Feather,Men Behaving Badly etc. A few nights ago I ended up having thoughts again and ended up watching a Peter Kay DVD - it really took my mind off the situation and avoided self harming.
I want to be able to work but - right now - due to the severity of my illness it is out of the question. One day soon though I will be strong enough to return to work. I mean, having depression can be horrible but having BPD at the same time? It is ten times worse than depression on it's own! What would I like to do for work? I would love to become an actress. I was always interested in acting from a young age but I kind of swapped acting for singing from the age of 11/12 until I was 16 which I deeply regret - I took Art for my GCSE which I was crap at. I knew in my heart that I should have taken Drama. I enjoyed Drama at school very much. I write scripts - mainly for my own benefit. I know that doing acting isn't really a proper job but it is fun and depending on the acting job,does pay well. But I am not in it for the dough. I want to become an actress. I am worried though - what if Art imitates life? What if I have to play a character with BPD and I end up playing the character a little bit too well because of experience? Would I have to explain why I seem to be playing said character so well? Also,what happens if I have a meltdown while I am rehearsing or something happens and I lose it in front of people? I would then feel I would have to tell them - I have BPD. The one thing I hate the thought of is letting people see me when my BPD is at it's worst. My Mum has seen me when my BPD has taken over and so has Dad but my mum never saw me when it was at the worst stage (And she never will,thank God as she passed in 2013. I never wanted Mum to see me in a worse state than she already did) and luckily my sister has never seen me when my BPD starts up or worse. I like acting thought because it means I can forget who I am for a bit and pretend to be another person. I can forget all what is happening in real life and be someone totally different.
When I did have my previous job (working for a very well known fast food place) I left after three months partly because of my physcial health,partly because I had had enough and partly becaue I unfortunately had a meltdown in the kitchen and I had to take a short break and explain to my boss what happened. Guess what he told me? 'Oh but you seemed so happy' People with depression and other mental health problems are VERY good at masking! We can hide how we feel,put on a mask,pretend to be very happy. Smiley,laughing,joking. We put on a facade and let the world think we are fine. So I may have seemed 'happy' on the outside but I really wasn't on the inside. I have a habit of bottling things until I erupt!
Having BPD means that I can avoid certain things like social situations. It is very hard for me. I can also not go to places I don't know unless I have someone with me. It also means I can be very emotional. People at college in 2009/10 saw me like that at times. I'd often feel overwhelmed and upset and say things like 'I can't do this' (Which sometimes I still have a habit of doing) and mostly I would sit on my own,looking as if I was upset. I am convinced they must have thought I was attention seeking but I really wasn't. My BPD wsn't actually diagnosed until 2012 so I knew something was up with me but I never knew what until 2012. I was relieved I had a diagnonis but of course my brain doesn't work like that - and to this day I am still convinced something else is wrong with me.
I have had issues with self harm for nearly 20 years. I was hospitalised twice for it in 2004 and 2005. I remember that two of my teachers at school were relieved to see I was OK but very upset with what I had done to myself. I think they would still feel that way if they knew I was still having issues with self harm. Unfortuntely, one of those teachers passed away a couple of years ago and I was very upset to find out that he had died. I never forgot about Mr Chapman. He always made my days feel just that little better. He was such a lovely,kind hearted,gentle giant kind of teacher who had time for absolutely everyone he met and who I miss so much.
One of my symptoms of BPD is hearing voices. I am now on a tablet for the rest of my days called Quetiapine which I mentioned earlier. I call the voice 'Trevor' it's the closest thing I can think of that rhymes with Terror and basically it is a terror in my head so I call 'him' Trevor the terror' Trevor has told me a number of times that I am a fat,useless,ugly,horrible,idiotic waste of air. He says I should kill myself. Amongst other things. And when he starts laughing then I know I am in serious shit! As it then gets to that point where I usually end up self harming. As I mentioned earlier in this blog, BPD means I can have a meltdown over the smallest thing. Whether there isn't enough juice in the fridge. Whether I have spelled a word wrong on here. Whether I bash my hand on the laptop accidentally. Or even if I can't find my phone in the place I have just left it and I find it where it should be when I have gone looking in about 20 places for it. But when things continue to go wrong. It really gets to me to the point where I start believing that Trevor is right and I should just go and die. I can't stop thinking things. So the week before last,on the Thursday night I decided that I needed to try and stop the voice in my head and to stop the thoughts. Music wasn't working. Neither was DVDs and things were still going wrong. So I just ended up doing the unthinkable and harmed myself. Having been clean for 11 months I was really angry at myself after. Because I had let myself down. I sometimes wonder if I deserve it even though deep down I know I don't. I just wish I could rid myself of this thing but there isn't a cure. I just have to learn to live with it.
I have managed to stay away from the razor since the end of April and I am hoping that I can do well to avoid it for another year and beyond,build the hard work up again and give myself something to be proud of. Once my school counsellor told me to draw on my arms with red felt tip if I ever want to harm myself. It worked for a while then it stopped working.
So that is basically what it is really like living with BPD. I hope that I haven't bored you - sorry if I have!
We are now in May 2020. We are still in lockdown and the world is still a mess. Also this week I would have been clean from self harm for one year. Now I said 'would have' beause I let myself down badly. Towards the end of April the demons came out from my head and tormented me to the point where I ended up harming myself. Now,for those who don't know me or who haven't read any of my previous blogs espeically those on mental health then please let me explain. I am 30 years old almost 31 and I have depression,anxiety and a bastard called Borderline Personality Disorder which you might or might not have heard of. Feel free to look it up if you wish. It is awful and an awful thing to have. Your brain thinks things you don't want to think and makes your hear things you don't want to hear. It tells you do do things.
You can also have a meltdown over the smallest thing or become angry at absolutely nothing one minute with no explanation then be fine the next. Your behaviour can be erratic and you can have mood swings. Unfortunately BPD cannot be cured even if you do not have symptoms for weeks or even months. They always risk coming back which is actually what happened with me a couple of years back. I didn't have symptoms for a few months and I was actually told I didn't actually have it. But I have been diagnosed with having BPD by at least two psychatrists and my doctor said that just because you haven't got the symptoms doesn't mean you don't have it anymore.
So what I am going to do now is tell you a story about myself and how having BPD affects me in day to day life
As a BPD sufferer, I do believe that I am 'un normal' and that I am wired up wrong. I am very fragile and I am weak. Does this make me an easy target? Possibly. Especially since I admit to being mentally ill. And also mentally unstable when I haven't taken my Quetiapine for more than three days. I hve to take those because if I don't then I am in trouble. Do you know what I would love? To be able to feel normal again. Please do not say 'Oh but you are normal' - believe me I am not normal. You wouldn't wanna see inside my mind and you wouldn't wanna be me - especially when I am having a bad episode or a bad meltdown. BPD is horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy...
Being bullied at school started my problems with mental health and also with self harm. Even before I was diagnosed with the illness I ended up self harming at college but unfortunately it was witnessed by 2 of my coursemates. I once remember scratching my arm on the wall outside the music block at school. At the age of 14/15 I even had thoughts about running away from school and then home and wanting to not be found. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until my early 20s. I think I was around 22 years old. I was so relieved when I finally had a diagnosis but I still wasn't happy and at intervals I was still self harming.
I try to play music most of the time. Music is one thing which helps me thought there are some occasions where even music won't work and can fail to help me. Music takes my mind off things. If I am going through a meltdown then music usually can calm me. Also, DVD's are another thing which can pacify me. Comedy usually works. Live Comedy or Comedy programmes such as On The Buses,Birds Of A Feather,Men Behaving Badly etc. A few nights ago I ended up having thoughts again and ended up watching a Peter Kay DVD - it really took my mind off the situation and avoided self harming.
I want to be able to work but - right now - due to the severity of my illness it is out of the question. One day soon though I will be strong enough to return to work. I mean, having depression can be horrible but having BPD at the same time? It is ten times worse than depression on it's own! What would I like to do for work? I would love to become an actress. I was always interested in acting from a young age but I kind of swapped acting for singing from the age of 11/12 until I was 16 which I deeply regret - I took Art for my GCSE which I was crap at. I knew in my heart that I should have taken Drama. I enjoyed Drama at school very much. I write scripts - mainly for my own benefit. I know that doing acting isn't really a proper job but it is fun and depending on the acting job,does pay well. But I am not in it for the dough. I want to become an actress. I am worried though - what if Art imitates life? What if I have to play a character with BPD and I end up playing the character a little bit too well because of experience? Would I have to explain why I seem to be playing said character so well? Also,what happens if I have a meltdown while I am rehearsing or something happens and I lose it in front of people? I would then feel I would have to tell them - I have BPD. The one thing I hate the thought of is letting people see me when my BPD is at it's worst. My Mum has seen me when my BPD has taken over and so has Dad but my mum never saw me when it was at the worst stage (And she never will,thank God as she passed in 2013. I never wanted Mum to see me in a worse state than she already did) and luckily my sister has never seen me when my BPD starts up or worse. I like acting thought because it means I can forget who I am for a bit and pretend to be another person. I can forget all what is happening in real life and be someone totally different.
When I did have my previous job (working for a very well known fast food place) I left after three months partly because of my physcial health,partly because I had had enough and partly becaue I unfortunately had a meltdown in the kitchen and I had to take a short break and explain to my boss what happened. Guess what he told me? 'Oh but you seemed so happy' People with depression and other mental health problems are VERY good at masking! We can hide how we feel,put on a mask,pretend to be very happy. Smiley,laughing,joking. We put on a facade and let the world think we are fine. So I may have seemed 'happy' on the outside but I really wasn't on the inside. I have a habit of bottling things until I erupt!
Having BPD means that I can avoid certain things like social situations. It is very hard for me. I can also not go to places I don't know unless I have someone with me. It also means I can be very emotional. People at college in 2009/10 saw me like that at times. I'd often feel overwhelmed and upset and say things like 'I can't do this' (Which sometimes I still have a habit of doing) and mostly I would sit on my own,looking as if I was upset. I am convinced they must have thought I was attention seeking but I really wasn't. My BPD wsn't actually diagnosed until 2012 so I knew something was up with me but I never knew what until 2012. I was relieved I had a diagnonis but of course my brain doesn't work like that - and to this day I am still convinced something else is wrong with me.
I have had issues with self harm for nearly 20 years. I was hospitalised twice for it in 2004 and 2005. I remember that two of my teachers at school were relieved to see I was OK but very upset with what I had done to myself. I think they would still feel that way if they knew I was still having issues with self harm. Unfortuntely, one of those teachers passed away a couple of years ago and I was very upset to find out that he had died. I never forgot about Mr Chapman. He always made my days feel just that little better. He was such a lovely,kind hearted,gentle giant kind of teacher who had time for absolutely everyone he met and who I miss so much.
One of my symptoms of BPD is hearing voices. I am now on a tablet for the rest of my days called Quetiapine which I mentioned earlier. I call the voice 'Trevor' it's the closest thing I can think of that rhymes with Terror and basically it is a terror in my head so I call 'him' Trevor the terror' Trevor has told me a number of times that I am a fat,useless,ugly,horrible,idiotic waste of air. He says I should kill myself. Amongst other things. And when he starts laughing then I know I am in serious shit! As it then gets to that point where I usually end up self harming. As I mentioned earlier in this blog, BPD means I can have a meltdown over the smallest thing. Whether there isn't enough juice in the fridge. Whether I have spelled a word wrong on here. Whether I bash my hand on the laptop accidentally. Or even if I can't find my phone in the place I have just left it and I find it where it should be when I have gone looking in about 20 places for it. But when things continue to go wrong. It really gets to me to the point where I start believing that Trevor is right and I should just go and die. I can't stop thinking things. So the week before last,on the Thursday night I decided that I needed to try and stop the voice in my head and to stop the thoughts. Music wasn't working. Neither was DVDs and things were still going wrong. So I just ended up doing the unthinkable and harmed myself. Having been clean for 11 months I was really angry at myself after. Because I had let myself down. I sometimes wonder if I deserve it even though deep down I know I don't. I just wish I could rid myself of this thing but there isn't a cure. I just have to learn to live with it.
I have managed to stay away from the razor since the end of April and I am hoping that I can do well to avoid it for another year and beyond,build the hard work up again and give myself something to be proud of. Once my school counsellor told me to draw on my arms with red felt tip if I ever want to harm myself. It worked for a while then it stopped working.
So that is basically what it is really like living with BPD. I hope that I haven't bored you - sorry if I have!
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