Feeling Like Crap to Feeling fine.
Hey...
So we're in March now. March 19th to be exact. How has the time flown by? And I have been struggling a lot...until fairly recently. Yeah, as the title suggests I have gone from feeling like utter shizzle to utter fine. Here's why
So I struggle a lot with my mental health as most of you know. For those who don't I struggle daily with depression,anxiety and BPD - Borederline Personality Disorder. There are (a lot of) days where I really do struggle with even the smallest things like getting up,washing,eating properly,medication...
So on Sunday I came back from a week away in Barnsley. Now I made some decisions while up there. I decided to be brave and go for a haircut in a way I had thought about but never having the guts to do. I now have an undercut.
I decided I was going to apply for my provisional and start learning to drive. I decided I was going to kick off my acting career again and get an agent and professional headshots done. I decided to look into getting a small cosmetic procedure done and look into starting a small business. Was going to get my teeth fixed and join a gym,start a proper diet... And then I came home to find that some cheeky person had left their old blinds propped up against my flat next to my bedroom window. It made me really angry. And then I found out I have lost my personal independence payment. So all my plans,hopes and dreams are now slightly on hold. Because I had an assessment and now the decision maker and assessor have pretty much painted me as a liar. I told the assessor that there are things I struggle with due to depression and BPD and things I find difficult and the decision maker has turned round and said he's decided that I don't. Excuse me decision maker? You don't live with me, especially on my bad days, How exactly can you know that I don't struggle? I feel that they have discriminated me, only looking at what I can do and not what I CANT. So I now have to go through an appeal process and tell them why I feel they're wrong and also that I felt they didn't take this,this and that into consideration or that they failed to LISTEN to what I said and have ignored me. I don't need an aid for medication? I think you'll find a nomad box and permanent phone reminders/prompts ARE an aid! And I can plan journeys/routes without aids? Yes ONLY to places I am very familiar with! I CANNOT go to places I don't know or that are unfamiliar without someone giving me a lift and SOMEONE BEING WITH ME. Mainly because I have serious anxiety issues with that. Send me to somewhere I don't know and it'll mean I will need to bring someone with me - which is why I took my father to the appointment with me.Then CAB yesterday morning. I went around 9.50 and asked to see someone. Yeah - Only 2 out of 4 advisors turned up. So it meant that a lot of people - including me - were very unlikely to be seen - in other words, can't see you today only two turned up so we're sending you packing. So this morning I have to ring a number up and get them to help me.
But then I realised something else over the last 24 hours. My head is clearing. I am starting to feel better. I am wanting to do things I haven't wanted to do in a while. I don't know how long this will last but I am hoping it's the start of my permanent recovery. I do not want to be on permanent sick benefits all of my life. I wanna work. I wanna get back in to acting AND oen my own sandwich shop. I realise now I am starting to slowly become the person who I used to be before depression,anxiety,bpd and mental illness took over my life and very nearly took it away and killed me. Depression can kick my ass!! Is it too soon to say that I am beating mental illness or am I asking for too much?
Today I am taking Father out for dinner. And then I am staying with him tomorrow. I have been in contact with people about agents for acting,professional headshots,recording studios,dental work,driving lessons etc So I have things to look forward to even if everything IS slightly on hold.
Hopefully in my next blog I shall have some (if any) news - good or bad. And hopefully I will be a little more well and a little more stronger.
So we're in March now. March 19th to be exact. How has the time flown by? And I have been struggling a lot...until fairly recently. Yeah, as the title suggests I have gone from feeling like utter shizzle to utter fine. Here's why
So I struggle a lot with my mental health as most of you know. For those who don't I struggle daily with depression,anxiety and BPD - Borederline Personality Disorder. There are (a lot of) days where I really do struggle with even the smallest things like getting up,washing,eating properly,medication...
So on Sunday I came back from a week away in Barnsley. Now I made some decisions while up there. I decided to be brave and go for a haircut in a way I had thought about but never having the guts to do. I now have an undercut.
I decided I was going to apply for my provisional and start learning to drive. I decided I was going to kick off my acting career again and get an agent and professional headshots done. I decided to look into getting a small cosmetic procedure done and look into starting a small business. Was going to get my teeth fixed and join a gym,start a proper diet... And then I came home to find that some cheeky person had left their old blinds propped up against my flat next to my bedroom window. It made me really angry. And then I found out I have lost my personal independence payment. So all my plans,hopes and dreams are now slightly on hold. Because I had an assessment and now the decision maker and assessor have pretty much painted me as a liar. I told the assessor that there are things I struggle with due to depression and BPD and things I find difficult and the decision maker has turned round and said he's decided that I don't. Excuse me decision maker? You don't live with me, especially on my bad days, How exactly can you know that I don't struggle? I feel that they have discriminated me, only looking at what I can do and not what I CANT. So I now have to go through an appeal process and tell them why I feel they're wrong and also that I felt they didn't take this,this and that into consideration or that they failed to LISTEN to what I said and have ignored me. I don't need an aid for medication? I think you'll find a nomad box and permanent phone reminders/prompts ARE an aid! And I can plan journeys/routes without aids? Yes ONLY to places I am very familiar with! I CANNOT go to places I don't know or that are unfamiliar without someone giving me a lift and SOMEONE BEING WITH ME. Mainly because I have serious anxiety issues with that. Send me to somewhere I don't know and it'll mean I will need to bring someone with me - which is why I took my father to the appointment with me.Then CAB yesterday morning. I went around 9.50 and asked to see someone. Yeah - Only 2 out of 4 advisors turned up. So it meant that a lot of people - including me - were very unlikely to be seen - in other words, can't see you today only two turned up so we're sending you packing. So this morning I have to ring a number up and get them to help me.
But then I realised something else over the last 24 hours. My head is clearing. I am starting to feel better. I am wanting to do things I haven't wanted to do in a while. I don't know how long this will last but I am hoping it's the start of my permanent recovery. I do not want to be on permanent sick benefits all of my life. I wanna work. I wanna get back in to acting AND oen my own sandwich shop. I realise now I am starting to slowly become the person who I used to be before depression,anxiety,bpd and mental illness took over my life and very nearly took it away and killed me. Depression can kick my ass!! Is it too soon to say that I am beating mental illness or am I asking for too much?
Today I am taking Father out for dinner. And then I am staying with him tomorrow. I have been in contact with people about agents for acting,professional headshots,recording studios,dental work,driving lessons etc So I have things to look forward to even if everything IS slightly on hold.
Hopefully in my next blog I shall have some (if any) news - good or bad. And hopefully I will be a little more well and a little more stronger.
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